Why Talking Doesn't Always Work

One of the most common things I hear from couples is, "We've talked about this so many times!"

Most often, they're referring to a recurring issue that they just can't seem to resolve.

By the time I meet them, they're exhausted. They've had the conversation over dinner, in the car, in the bedroom, while walking the dog, and sometimes in the middle of a family gathering. They've approached it calmly. They've argued about it. They've cried about it. They've made promises to do things differently.

Yet somehow, they keep finding themselves back in exactly the same place.

It's like they're caught in a spiral. No matter how many times they have the conversation, they can't seem to find a way out of it. They go around and around the same issue, hoping for a different outcome, only to arrive back where they started.

In fact, many couples tell me they feel worse than when they started. Not only is the issue unresolved, but they are now even more frustrated than before.

They are still hurt, angry and now they feel completely misunderstood. And.... often through the conflict they also end up feeling guilty because of how they reacted. And despite all the talking, there is still no resolution.

If you've ever experienced this, I promise you, you're not alone. In fact, it's one of the main reasons couples reach out for support.

We are often told that communication is the key to a healthy relationship. If something isn't working, we're encouraged to talk about it. If we're feeling disconnected, we're told to communicate more. If we're stuck, we're advised to sit down and have another conversation.

While communication is incredibly important, I think we've been sold the idea that talking alone is enough. In my experience, when it comes to unresolved conflict, it often isn't.

Why We Keep Having the Same Argument

One of the biggest misconceptions about relationships is that talking and communicating are the same thing.

They're not.

Most couples talk. In fact, many couples talk endlessly about the things that are bothering them. The real question is whether they're communicating in a way that helps them understand each other.

If trying to resolve an issue is done by explaining, defending, justifying, persuading and repeating themselves, then this is in fact the main issue. Both people are trying desperately to get their point across, yet neither person feels understood or heard.

What starts as a conversation becomes a debate, a disagreement and yet another argument. And here enters the spiral. Because nothing has changed.

The focus is on proving a point, defending a position, or convincing the other person that they're wrong. sometimes unconsciously.

The irony is that often both people want exactly the same outcome. They want to feel heard.

They want to know that they have been understood and that their needs and desires are valued. Overall, they want their relationship to work, and they want to resolve the issue.

Yet the way they're communicating is taking them further away from those goals.

The reality is that most of us were never taught how to communicate effectively in relationships. We weren't taught how to listen when we're hurt. We weren't taught how to stay curious when we disagree. We weren't taught how to regulate our emotions when conflict comes up. We weren't taught how to understand our partner's perspective without immediately trying to defend our own.

So when an issue comes up, we rely on the sometimes limited skills we have.

We try to explain our position and we put a stake in the ground on it. Then, as often happens, our partner does the same thing! They explain their position. And.... on it goes!

So we get frustrated, we shut down, we ignore and there it is again.... the spiral. We have exactly the same conversation next week using exactly the same approach.

It's no surprise that we end up in the same place. If nothing changes, nothing changes. Having the same conversation with the same skills will usually produce the same result.

A Lesson I Learned in My Own Relationship

One of the biggest lessons I learned about communication came through a disagreement Craig and I used to have around money. Like many couples, we would have conversations that seemed to go around in circles. We'd both leave feeling frustrated and unheard, convinced that we just did not understand each other. It was the cause of so much stress for us. Eventually, after years of the same conversation about our finances, we decided to see a financial coach. I remember sitting in her office explaining my perspective while Craig explained his. We both passionately told her our points of view. I finally had someone that was truly listening to me! And.... Craig had the same thing with the coach. She listened carefully to both of us. She was curious and dove down deeper into what we were saying. She validated both of us. Then she laughed softly, looked at both Craig and I, and said, "You two are saying exactly the same thing."

Craig and I both stared at her. We genuinely couldn't see it. What she helped us understand was that we both wanted the same outcome. We both wanted financial security. We both wanted to make good decisions. We both cared deeply about our future.

The problem wasn't our goal. The problem was that we each had a different idea about how to get there. We had become so focused on defending our position that neither of us could see the common ground underneath it. That observation from the financial coach changed me.

It reminded me that many arguments aren't really about what we think they're about.

Underneath the disagreement there are often shared values, shared hopes and shared intentions that have become buried beneath frustration, fear and poor communication.

Sometimes we just need someone who can help us see what we can no longer see for ourselves.

Instead of Talking, How About Not?

Now before you think I've completely lost the plot, hear me out. I'm not suggesting you ignore important issues.

What I am suggesting is that sometimes the healthiest thing a couple can do is stop trying to solve the problem for a little while. I am not advocating for procrastination, abdication or head in the sand here.

How about stop talking about the issue for long enough to remember that your relationship is bigger than the issue you're arguing about. When couples become stuck, it's easy for the problem to become the centre of the relationship. Every conversation somehow finds its way back to the same disagreement. Every interaction can start to feel really heavy, and each attempt at connection turns into another attempt at problem solving. Over time, the relationship itself can start to feel like hard work.

Sometimes what couples need isn't another discussion about the problem. Sometimes they need to reconnect with the parts of the relationship that are already working. Couples can return to their friendship. And if that feels difficult right now, I hear you. Even the strongest friendships can feel strained when there is an unresolved issue sitting between you. It will take a concerted effort to dig deeper than the issues they are experiencing.

Its important to remember that the couple can always come back to the issue at a later stage. But for now, its time to try something totally different! Go watch a funny movie together. Have a cuddle, and hold each other for 10 seconds minimum. Visit a friend you love, go for a walk.

By strengthening other areas of your relationship, that doesn't make the problem disappear. However, it can create enough goodwill, safety and connection for the conversation to be approached differently when they do return to it. A relationship that is rich in friendship and connection is often far more resilient when difficult conversations arise.

Returning to the Conversation Differently

At some point, you'll probably need to come back to the issue. The difference is that this time you're not returning to it in the heat of frustration, after the tenth argument, or with the goal of convincing your partner that you're right. Instead, you're returning to it with the goal of understanding.

Here are some tips that may help you get a bit further than you have before.

Before you begin, choose a time together that works for both of you, and schedule the conversation in. Commit to the conversation at a time when you are both feeling relaxed, calm and have no pressures.

Set aside some time and agree on a simple ground rule:

"We're not trying to win this conversation. We're trying to understand each other better."

One approach I often encourage couples to use is to take turns speaking and listening.

One person speaks for a few minutes about their thoughts, feelings and concerns while the other person's job is simply to listen. The other person's job is not to respond straight away.

They are not trying to defend, correct or rebut what they hear. Their only job is to understand.

When they've finished, the listener reflects back what they heard.

Something as simple as "What I hear you saying is..." or "It sounds like..." That is all they do!

The speaker then has an opportunity to clarify anything that was misunderstood in response to the listeners reflection. This is not about being right. Sometimes in the discussions part of the conversation can be misunderstood. It is simply for the speaker to clarify!

Only when the speaker feels understood do the roles switch.

Once both people have had a chance to share, move into what I call "question time."

This is where curiosity becomes more important than solutions.

Questions might include:

• What is most important to you about this issue?

• What concerns you most?

• What am I missing about your perspective?

• What does this situation mean to you?

• What would feeling supported look like for you?

• Is there something underneath this issue that feels important to talk about?

The goal isn't to solve the problem immediately. The goal is to understand the person sitting across from you.

Because when couples feel understood, they are far more likely to work together on a solution.

And sometimes, just like Craig and I discovered when speaking with our financial coach, you might realise that you're both trying to achieve the same outcome, you've simply been talking about it from different angles.

When It's Time to Get Help

Of course, there are some issues that won't resolve themselves. If you've been having the same argument for months or years, it may be time to stop trying harder and start trying differently. One of the biggest myths about relationship support is that seeking help means your relationship is failing. I see it differently. Seeking support simply means you've reached the limits of the skills you currently have. And that's completely normal.

No one expects themselves to know how to play a musical instrument without lessons. No one expects themselves to become a great athlete without coaching. Yet many of us expect ourselves to navigate one of the most important relationships in our lives without ever learning the skills required.

To have epic relationships require skills that include communication, connection and understanding. The good news is that these skills can be learned.

About Jacque Opie

As a Couples Coach, I help partners move out of frustrating relationship patterns and into greater understanding, connection and teamwork.

I believe healthy relationships aren't built by being perfect. They're built by learning the skills that help us understand each other better.