Why Empathy Disappears When You're Triggered (And How to Get It Back)

One of the most humbling things I've learned about myself is that the more emotionally flooded I become, the less thoughtful I become.

As a relationship coach, I teach empathy, but as a wife, there are times I completely forget to use it.

The interesting thing is that I genuinely consider myself to be an empathetic person. Most of the time, I can see another person's perspective. I can understand where they're coming from. I can appreciate that their experience of a situation may be very different to mine.

But when I'm upset, frustrated, hurt or triggered? That's a different story, and I don't think I'm alone.

Most of us don't lose our empathy because we're bad people. We lose it because we're flooded, and when we're flooded, our focus narrows. We become consumed by our own thoughts, feelings and frustrations. Our attention turns inward.

And when that happens, it's incredibly difficult to see what might be happening for the person sitting right in front of us.

The Conversation That Didn't Go Well

Recently, I came home from work feeling stressed. Something had happened during the day that had really gotten under my skin. I had been thinking about it for hours, replaying it in my mind, and by the time I walked through the front door, I was already emotionally activated.

I started telling Craig about it. I wanted him to listen, and I wanted him to understand how frustrating it had been. I wanted empathy.

Instead, Craig did what many partners do. He started offering advice and suggesting solutions. He told me what he thought I could do differently.

Oh Dear!

The more advice he gave, the more irritated I became. I could feel myself getting annoyed then frustrated. And then, I became defensive. The conversation started escalating.

At the time, I was completely focused on my own experience. I wanted understanding.

I wanted validation. I wanted someone to acknowledge how difficult the situation had been.

What I failed to see was that Craig was having an experience too. He sees me stressed, and he hears me talking about work. He knows when I'm carrying something heavy. He loves me, and of course he wanted to help. Of course he wanted to make it better.

His advice wasn't criticism. It wasn't dismissal. It wasn't him trying to tell me what to do.

It was care. But because I was flooded, I couldn't see that.

What Research Tells Us About Empathy

One of the things researchers have discovered is that empathy is closely linked to something called perspective-taking.

Perspective-taking is the ability to step outside your own experience and imagine what life might look like from someone else's point of view.

The problem is that when we become emotionally activated, this ability often decreases.

Our brains become focused on self-protection. We become less curious, less open and we struggle to be reflective.

We become more interested in being understood than understanding. And that's exactly what happened to me.

The more upset I became, the less capable I was of seeing Craig's good intentions.

Not because they weren't there. Because I couldn't access them.

The Question That Changes Everything

When I finally calmed down, I realised something important. Craig didn't need an empathy lesson. I needed a perspective-taking lesson. The question I should have asked myself was:

"If I were Craig, how might this make sense?" The answer was actually pretty obvious.

If I were Craig, I would be looking at a wife who was stressed and upset.

I'd probably want to help too, and offer solutions and I would probably think I was being supportive.

The moment I looked at the situation through his eyes, my frustration softened.

Nothing about the situation changed, but my perspective did. And perspective changes everything.

The 10-Second Empathy Tool

The next time you find yourself feeling defensive, frustrated or triggered, try asking yourself one simple question: "If I were them, how might this make sense?"

Not "Why are they doing this?" or "What's wrong with them?" or "Why don't they understand me?"

Instead try thinking, "If I were them, how might this make sense?"

You don't have to agree with them or even change your position. You don't even have to think they're right. Just lean into becoming curious about their experience. Because curiosity is often the doorway back to empathy.

A Final Thought

These days, when I notice myself becoming defensive with Craig, I know that's usually the moment I need empathy the most. Not empathy for myself, but empathy for him.

Because if I'm flooded, chances are I'm only seeing half the picture.

And the moment I become curious about what might be happening in his world, I start seeing the whole thing again. Empathy isn't something we lose forever.

Sometimes it's simply buried underneath stress, frustration and emotion.

And sometimes all it takes to find it again is one good question.

About Jacque

Jacque Opie is a relationship coach, counsellor and communication specialist who helps couples create deeper connection through practical, real-world tools. Drawing on over thirty years of marriage, coaching experience, and evidence-based relationship approaches, Jacque helps people move from conflict and frustration to greater understanding, connection, and love.