When Did We Stop Being Friends? Finding Your Way Back to Each Other
Six simple ways to rebuild friendship in your relationship, along with questions to help you
get to know each other again.
There was probably a time when you couldn't wait to spend time together. You'd talk about everything and nothing, laugh at silly things, make plans for the weekend and genuinely enjoy each other's company. You didn't necessarily need to be doing anything exciting because simply being together was enough.
But somewhere along the way, things changed, and perhaps you didn't even notice it happening.
These days, your evenings might look very different. One of you watches television while the other spends time on their phone or computer. One goes to bed early while the other stays up late. Weekends are spent pursuing separate interests, and most conversations revolve around what needs to be done rather than what's happening in each other's lives.
You might still talk about the bills, the kids, what's for dinner and who's doing what on the weekend, but when was the last time you had a conversation simply because you enjoyed talking to each other?
And if someone asked you what you enjoy doing together, would you know what to say?
When Did We Stop Being Friends?
Something I notice when working with couples is that they haven't necessarily stopped caring about each other; they've stopped spending time enjoying each other.
Their lives have gradually become a collection of individual routines, and while they might be functioning quite well as a household, the friendship that once brought them together has slipped into the background.
Sometimes I'll ask couples what they actually enjoy doing together, and there's a long silence while they try to remember the last time they did something that wasn't connected to responsibilities, children or household chores.
When we start exploring what they used to enjoy, memories often begin to emerge. Perhaps they loved playing board games, going for long drives, cooking together or heading out on spontaneous adventures. These were the things they did before life became so busy and spending time together stopped being something they deliberately made room for.
What I find interesting is that couples often tell me they have nothing in common anymore, yet when we explore their history, there were plenty of things they once enjoyed sharing.
Of course, people change over time, and it's perfectly healthy to develop different interests. You don't need to enjoy everything your partner enjoys, and having your own hobbies, friendships and independence is important.
What matters is whether you're still creating opportunities to enjoy being together.
Because friendship, like every other part of a relationship, needs attention if it's going to continue growing.
The Friendship That Matters Most
I can share something from my own marriage that has always stayed with me.
There was a time when Craig and I were really struggling in our relationship. Things weren't easy, and like many couples, we had our challenges to work through. But one thing I remember so clearly is that, even when our relationship was on the rocks, we still genuinely liked each other as human beings.
And I think there's something quite powerful in that.
Even when we weren't getting everything right as husband and wife, I could still look at Craig and see the person he was, separate from whatever difficulties we were experiencing in our marriage. I liked his character, his values and the qualities that made him who he was.
I often think that if I had the opportunity to live a thousand different lifetimes, I would choose Craig as my friend in every single one of them, simply because of the person he is.
That doesn't mean we always agree, that we don't frustrate each other or that friendship alone was enough to resolve the challenges we faced. But underneath those difficult moments, there was still someone I genuinely enjoyed, admired and wanted in my life.
And perhaps that's something worth thinking about in your own relationship.
When you put aside the household responsibilities, the disagreements, the frustrations and all the things that come with sharing a life, do you still see the person you once loved spending time with?
Perhaps you've become so focused on the things that aren't working that you've lost sight of the qualities you once appreciated in each other. Or perhaps you've simply stopped making time to enjoy those qualities.
Either way, it's worth remembering that your partner is more than the role they play in your household or the things that frustrate you. They're a person with interests, ideas, experiences, dreams and qualities that are worth getting to know, even after years together.
And sometimes, when couples begin reconnecting with the friendship underneath their relationship, they discover that there's still a great deal they like about each other.
Six Simple Ways to Start Reconnecting
If you've been living fairly separate lives, the thought of suddenly organising romantic date nights or having deep conversations might feel a little overwhelming. Rather than putting pressure on yourselves to completely transform your relationship, why not start by finding something simple that you can enjoy together?
Here are six activities that can help you begin rebuilding your friendship.
1. Bring Back the Board Games
Remember when you used to play cards, Scrabble, Rummikub or whatever game you both enjoyed? Perhaps there was a little friendly competition, some teasing about who always won and plenty of laughter when someone made a ridiculous move.
Board games are a great way to spend time together because they give you something to focus on while creating opportunities for conversation, laughter and playfulness.
You don't need to organise an elaborate games night or invite anyone else over. Simply choose a game, make yourselves a cuppa, put your phones away and enjoy spending an hour together.
And if one of you is particularly competitive, remember that the goal is to enjoy each other's company rather than prove who is the better player!
2. Go for a Drive Together
There's something lovely about getting in the car without having a long list of things to accomplish. You might head into the hills, explore a little country town, stop somewhere for coffee or simply take a scenic route you've never travelled before.
Driving together can create a relaxed opportunity for conversation because you're sitting side by side without the usual distractions of home. You don't have to maintain eye contact or feel as though you're sitting down for a serious relationship discussion, which can make talking feel easier.
You might take turns choosing the music, share stories about places you've visited or start talking about somewhere you'd love to explore together.
And if the conversation doesn't flow immediately, that's okay too, because the purpose is to spend time together without feeling that every moment needs to be filled.
3. Cook Something New Together
Instead of one person being responsible for dinner while the other does something else, choose a meal you've never made before and turn cooking into a shared experience.
You could pick a different cuisine, find a recipe online, shop for the ingredients together and put on some music while you prepare dinner.
There's something enjoyable about learning something new alongside your partner, particularly when neither of you is expected to be the expert.
You might discover a new favourite meal, or you might end up ordering takeaway because the recipe was a disaster, but either way, you've created an experience together and hopefully something to laugh about later.
4. Go for a Walk Without Your Phones
A walk after dinner or on a Sunday morning is one of the simplest ways to spend time together, and it doesn't cost anything or require much planning.
You don't need to walk for hours or turn it into a fitness challenge. Even 20 minutes around your neighbourhood gives you an opportunity to step away from the television, household tasks and other distractions.
You might talk about your day, something interesting you've heard or what you're looking forward to in the coming week. You could also use the time to ask each other one or two of the questions I've included later in this article.
If conversation feels difficult initially, don't force it. Enjoy the fresh air, notice what's happening around you and allow yourselves to become comfortable simply spending time together again.
5. Start a Little Project Together
Having something to work on together can help rebuild the sense that you're a team, particularly if you've become accustomed to doing most things independently.
It doesn't need to be an enormous project or something that creates more stress. You might complete a jigsaw puzzle, plant a small herb garden, restore a piece of furniture, make something for your home or plan a weekend away.
The benefit isn't necessarily the finished product, but the experience of making decisions together, sharing ideas, solving little problems and having something you're both invested in.
Choose something that feels enjoyable rather than another job on the household to-do list, because the idea is to create connection rather than add more responsibilities.
6. Take Turns Planning a Small Adventure
One of the challenges couples sometimes experience is that they become so comfortable in their routines that they stop doing anything different.
Why not agree to take turns choosing an activity to enjoy together, perhaps once a fortnight or once a month?
One of you might choose a local market, a picnic, a museum or a new café, while the other might suggest a scenic drive, a comedy show or visiting somewhere you've never been.
You don't have to spend much money, and you certainly don't have to love every activity your partner chooses. Part of rebuilding friendship is showing an interest in the things your partner enjoys and being willing to try something different.
The important part is that you're both contributing to creating experiences together rather than waiting for the other person to make all the effort.
Being Together Is Only Part of the Picture
Shared activities are a wonderful place to start, but rebuilding friendship involves more than simply being in the same room or doing the same thing.
It's also about becoming curious about each other again.
Think back to when you first met your partner and how interested you were in discovering who they were. You probably asked all sorts of questions about their childhood, their family, what made them laugh, what they wanted from life and what they dreamed of doing one day.
You wanted to know everything because this was someone you were genuinely interested in.
But after years together, something interesting can happen. We begin to assume that because we've known our partner for so long, we already know everything there is to know about them.
We stop asking questions because we think we already know the answers.
Yet the person you're sharing your life with is continuing to grow, change and experience new things, just as you are. Their worries, interests, dreams and priorities today might be quite different from what they were five or ten years ago.
Being familiar with someone isn't necessarily the same as knowing what's happening in their world.
Dr John Gottman, a relationship researcher, describes this knowledge of your partner's inner world as Love Maps, which form part of the friendship foundation in his Sound Relationship House model.
Love Maps involve knowing what matters to your partner, understanding their experiences and staying interested in who they're becoming rather than relying entirely on what you already know about them.
And that requires us to keep asking questions.
18 Questions to Help You Get to Know Each Other Again
If you've reached a point where most of your conversations are about practical matters, you might find that you don't quite know what to talk about anymore.
These questions are designed to help you move beyond everyday household conversations and rediscover some of the curiosity you had when you first met.
You don't need to sit down and work through all 18 questions in one evening. In fact, I'd encourage you not to, because this isn't supposed to feel like a questionnaire or another relationship exercise you have to complete.
Choose two or three questions while you're driving, going for a walk, having coffee or enjoying a quiet evening together, and take turns sharing your answers.
Getting to Know Each Other Again
What's something that's been making you happy lately?
Is there something you've been thinking about that we haven't had a chance to talk about?
What's something you would really love to do in the next 12 months?
What's been taking up most of your headspace recently?
What's something about yourself that you think I might not know or have forgotten?
If you had an entire day with no responsibilities, how would you choose to spend it?
Remembering Your Friendship
What's one of your favourite memories of us together?
What did we used to do together that you really enjoyed?
Can you remember a time when we laughed so much we couldn't stop?
What's something we used to do that you'd love us to bring back?
What's something about me that still makes you smile?
If we could revisit one day from our relationship, which day would you choose and why?
Creating New Experiences Together
What's something new you'd love for us to try together?
If we had a whole Saturday afternoon free, how would you like us to spend it?
What's one small thing I could do that would help you feel more connected to me?
What do you think we could have more fun doing together?
Is there somewhere you'd love us to visit, even if it's just for a day?
If we were sitting here a year from now feeling really happy about our relationship, what do you think we'd be doing differently?
It's Not Just About Asking the Questions
One of the most important parts of these conversations is what happens after your partner answers.
If your partner tells you they've been feeling stressed about work, for example, you don't necessarily need to offer solutions or tell them what you think they should do. Sometimes the most valuable response is simply to show an interest and ask them to tell you more.
Similarly, if they share a dream or an idea that doesn't particularly interest you, try to understand what makes it meaningful to them rather than immediately dismissing it.
You might ask, "What is it about that idea that excites you?" or "How long have you been thinking about doing that?"
Curiosity helps us understand our partner's experiences, even when they're different from our own.
And remember, these conversations need to go both ways. Friendship grows when both people have opportunities to share their experiences and feel heard, understood and valued.
What If It Feels Awkward at First?
If you've spent months or even years living relatively separate lives, suddenly suggesting a board game or asking your partner about their dreams might feel a little strange.
You might even get a puzzled look when you suggest going for a drive together, particularly if it's something you haven't done in years.
That's understandable, because whenever we change an established pattern in a relationship, it can take a little time for both people to adjust.
You don't need to force conversations, pretend everything is wonderful or expect that one enjoyable evening will suddenly resolve years of disconnection.
What you can do is begin creating opportunities for positive experiences again.
It's also worth remembering that not every moment together needs to become a conversation about what's wrong with the relationship. Difficult conversations are important, particularly when there's unresolved hurt, but couples also need opportunities to enjoy each other's company without feeling they're constantly working on a problem.
Sometimes it's perfectly okay to spend an evening laughing over a game of cards without discussing anything particularly meaningful.
In fact, that might be exactly what you've both been missing.
Of course, if your relationship involves significant unresolved hurt, fear or a lack of emotional safety, shared activities alone won't address those concerns. Those situations may need additional support before reconnecting feels comfortable or safe.
Friendship Doesn't Maintain Itself
When we first enter a relationship, spending time together often happens naturally because we're excited to discover everything about this person. We prioritise seeing each other, make plans and look for opportunities to share experiences.
As life becomes busier, we can begin treating that friendship as something that will simply look after itself, while work, children, household responsibilities and individual interests receive most of our attention.
But relationships don't thrive on good intentions alone, and being committed to someone doesn't automatically mean you're continuing to nurture your friendship with them.
The good news is that reconnecting doesn't necessarily require enormous changes to your life. You don't need to suddenly develop all the same interests or spend every evening together, because sometimes the smallest changes to your routine can create opportunities for meaningful connection.
You might decide to play a board game once a week, go for a Sunday drive each month or make time to enjoy a coffee together without your phones. As you begin spending time together, you can also start asking questions, listening with curiosity and rediscovering what matters to each other.
And perhaps, along the way, you'll remember why you enjoyed spending time together in the first place, while also discovering new things about the people you've both become.
I often come back to that thought about Craig and how, even during the difficult times, I knew he was someone I would choose as a friend. To me, that's a wonderful part of a relationship worth nurturing, because alongside the love, commitment and shared responsibilities, there is also the simple pleasure of having someone in your life whose company you genuinely enjoy.
At the heart of a lasting relationship, there isn't just someone you love. There's someone you genuinely like, someone whose company you enjoy, and someone you'd still choose to spend time with even if you weren't sharing a life together.
And if you've lost touch with that friendship, perhaps it's time to start finding your way back to each other.
Would You Like to Rebuild the Friendship in Your Relationship?
If you and your partner have found yourselves living more like housemates than partners, couples counselling can help you understand how you've become disconnected and develop practical ways to rebuild your friendship, communication and emotional connection.
I'm Jacque Opie, a Couples Counsellor, and I work with couples who want to reconnect, strengthen their relationship and create a future they both feel invested in.
