What if we replayed the conversations that went RIGHT?

I was talking with one of my clients recently about something most of us do in relationships. We have a conversation with our partner that doesn’t go particularly well, and afterwards we replay it. We think about what they said, what we said, what we should have said and what we wish they had said differently. Sometimes we replay it so many times that we can almost have the entire conversation again without our partner even being there.

And we’re not just replaying the words. We can bring back the feelings that went with them too. You remember the tone, the frustration, the moment you felt misunderstood or dismissed, and suddenly you can feel yourself getting annoyed or hurt all over again. By the time you actually go back to your partner to try to resolve it, you may have already had that conversation another ten times in your own mind.

The problem is, when we eventually decide to talk about it again, quite often we don’t actually change anything. We still haven’t thought about whether it’s a good time. We haven’t considered how we want to start the conversation or what we actually want from it. We may not have given our partner any warning that we want to talk about something important. And now we’re also carrying all the frustration we’ve built up while replaying it.

So we try again, often in much the same way, and wonder why we end up in much the same place.

That got me thinking: what if we put the same amount of energy into replaying the conversations that went really well?

Because every couple has them.

Think about a conversation you’ve had with your partner where you both walked away feeling good about how you handled it. It doesn’t have to be a huge relationship breakthrough. Maybe you talked about something difficult and neither of you became defensive. Perhaps you disagreed but still listened to each other. Maybe you solved something together, one of you apologised, you laughed somewhere in the middle of it, or you simply felt as though your partner really understood what you were trying to say.

Normally, when that happens, we just carry on with our day. We don’t analyse it because there’s nothing to fix.

But maybe we should.

What would happen if you actually went back to your partner and said, “You know that conversation we had the other night? I thought we handled that really well. Why do you think that one worked?”

Then really talk about it.

What mood were you both in? Was the timing better? How did you bring up the subject? Did your partner know what you needed from them? Were you trying to understand each other rather than prove a point? Did you let each other finish? Was your tone different? Did one of you do something that helped the other stay engaged rather than becoming defensive or shutting down?

You might discover that your best conversations happen when you’re walking together. You might realise that giving each other a heads-up before raising something difficult makes an enormous difference. Perhaps one of you needs time to think before responding, or maybe you both communicate better when you’re not tired, rushing somewhere or trying to do three other things at the same time.

You might even ask each other, “What did I do in that conversation that made it easier for you to talk to me?”

Imagine what you could learn from that question alone.

We can become incredibly good at identifying what our partner does wrong. We know what triggers us, what makes us defensive and what they say that immediately gets our back up. But how often do we become equally curious about what our partner does that helps us feel safe enough to listen, soften, be vulnerable or see something from their perspective?

That information matters because communication between couples is a dance. What I do affects you, your response affects me, and then my response affects what you do next. That can create some pretty awful cycles, but it can also create really healthy ones. If the two of you have already found ways of communicating that bring out the best in each other, wouldn’t it be worth understanding what they are?

And when you catch yourselves doing it well, celebrate the win.

We are often very quick to point out when something has gone wrong in our relationships, but we can be terrible at acknowledging when we’ve actually handled something really well. So say it. “We did that really well.” “I loved how you listened to me then.” “That was a hard conversation, but I felt like we were on the same team.”

It doesn’t need to become some big counselling exercise. It’s simply about noticing that something worked and allowing yourselves to feel good about it.

I love the idea that what we focus on expands, and I think there’s something really valuable in applying that to our relationships. This isn’t about ignoring problems or pretending difficult conversations don’t matter. Of course they matter, and sometimes we absolutely need to go back, repair what happened and try again.

But the conversations that go badly shouldn’t be the only ones we learn from.

If we continually replay the moments when our partner didn’t understand us, we can start building a story that says, “We just can’t communicate.” Yet sitting alongside those moments may be plenty of evidence that you actually can communicate — there are just certain conditions, behaviours and ways of approaching each other that help you do it better.

So this week, rather than replaying only the conversation you wish had gone differently, choose one that went really well and replay that one together.

Talk about why it worked. Talk about how you each felt. Notice what your partner did that helped you and what you did that helped them. Celebrate the fact that the two of you got it right, and then think about how you can take some of that into the next difficult conversation.

Because sometimes improving your relationship isn’t about finding another thing that’s broken and trying to fix it.

Sometimes it’s about noticing what the two of you are already doing really well — and doing more of that. ❤️