I Thought We Had A Communication Problem. We Didn't.

For years, I thought Craig and I had a communication problem. We would start talking about something difficult and somehow end up further apart than when we started.

The more I tried to explain myself, the less understood I felt. The more frustrated I became, the quieter Craig became. And the quieter he became, the harder I pushed.

I thought we needed better communication skills. So, be

cause I like solutions, I went to communication courses, I studied Interpersonal Skills. I became a master listener, and learnt all the "I feel x when you do y language".

And then, I would try and tell Craig what I had learnt. So we tried listening more, and being more aware of the words we were using to try and avoid triggering each other. And although our communication definitely improved, our conflicts did not.

What I eventually uncovered was that communication wasn't the real problem. Or certainly, it wasn't the ONLY problem. The real problem was that neither of us understood what was happening inside our nervous systems.

Whenever we found ourselves talking about the really important topics, like money and family, we would start to feel out of control. And we ended up in conflict, where we were no longer just talking to each other. We were reacting to each other triggering one another, and our conversations would end up escalating really quickly.

Without realising it, we were caught in a cycle of co-dysregulation. And learning about co-regulation changed so much for us.

What Is Co-Regulation?

Co-regulation is the ability to help another person return to emotional balance when they are stressed, overwhelmed, upset, anxious, hurt, or angry.

Basically, when someone's emotions feel overwhelming, it's the ability to help them find their way back to feeling okay.

Research shows that our nervous systems influence each other. Relationship researchers have found that couples can affect each other's emotional states, stress levels, and even physiological responses.

But honestly, you don't need to be a researcher to know this. Think about a time when you helped someone who felt completely overwhelmed.

I remember being involved in a car accident. I was a passenger and wasn't hurt, but the driver of the other vehicle was beside themselves. They couldn't breathe properly, were waving their arms around, sobbing, and were completely overwhelmed by what had happened.

I asked them to slow their breathing. I sat with them. I held them for a while and then walked with them. It changed everything.

Their situation hadn't changed. The accident had still happened. But they no longer had to deal with those overwhelming emotions alone. That's co-regulation.

Or think about a time when you walked into a room and immediately sensed that someone was upset. They didn't have to say anything, but you knew something was wrong.

That's because our nervous systems are constantly communicating.

The question is whether we're helping each other settle or helping each other escalate.

A healthy relationship is not two perfectly regulated people. It's two imperfect people who know how to help each other find their way back.

What Is Co-Dysregulation?

Co-dysregulation is the opposite.

It's what happens when two nervous systems accidentally make each other more distressed.

One person becomes upset.

The other reacts to that upset.

The first person reacts to the reaction.

And before long, both people are feeling worse than when they started. Neither person intends to make things worse. Yet that's exactly what happens. Many couples aren't fighting each other. They're fighting while simultaneously triggering each other's nervous systems.

The Pursuer And Withdrawer Dance

If you've worked with me before, you've probably heard me talk about the pursuer and withdrawer pattern.

I am definitely the pursuer in my relationship.

When something feels wrong, I want to talk it out. I want to understand what went wrong, and I want to fix it and reconnect, and I want to do it right there and then!

Craig is much more likely to withdraw when he becomes overwhelmed. For years, I completely misunderstood what was happening. We would start discussing something difficult. Craig would become quieter, and sometimes he would walk out of the room. And yes, you guessed it. I would follow him. If he became quieter, I got louder.

If he pulled away, I moved closer and when he wanted space, I wanted answers.

At the time, I genuinely believed I was trying to save our relationship, because SURELY to solve a problem you have to TALK about it, right?

What I didn't realise was that our nervous systems were having completely different experiences. Craig wasn't walking away because he didn't care. He was overwhelmed, and his nervous system needed a break.

Meanwhile, his withdrawal felt terrifying to me. My nervous system interpreted his silence as rejection, and that our relationship was on the rocks. I would feel so disconnected from him.

The more he withdrew, the more distressed I became. The more distressed I became, the more he withdrew.

It took a long time to recognise that neither of us was the problem, and that the pattern was the problem. We were co-dysregulating each other.

Looking back, those moments felt incredibly painful for both of us. I remember feeling desperate to reconnect. Craig probably felt trapped and unable to escape the intensity of the conversation.

Neither of us felt safe, and worst of all, even although we were talking, neither of us felt understood and we had now idea we were caught in a nervous system loop.

It has only been recent that we can now put language to co-regulation. And now that we know it, we cannot unknow it.

Instead of seeing Craig's withdrawal as rejection, I began recognising it as overwhelm. And instead of chasing him, I learned to allow space for both of us to regulate before returning to the conversation. Ironically, the less I chased, the more likely Craig was to come back.

And this was not about a power struggle, it was because his nervous system finally had the opportunity to settle, and so did mine.

This Is Where Gottman Fits In

As a Level 1 Accredited Gottman practitioner, I love their work. Although they don't explicitly talk about co-regulation, the concept appears throughout their research.

One of Gottman's most important findings relates to what they call flooding.

Flooding occurs when a person's nervous system becomes overwhelmed during conflict.

Their are physical signs of this, such as heart rate increases, stress hormones rise, defensiveness increases and empathy decreases. It becomes more difficult to problem solve.

When people are flooded, they literally lose access to some of the skills needed for productive communication, which is why sometimes talking and communicating is not the answer!

This is why Gottman encourages couples to take breaks when flooding occurs. And it doesn't mean the topis is not important. In fact, often this is when we are talking about some of the most important topics relating to our relationship. It is because trying to solve relationship problems while flooded is like trying to perform surgery during an earthquake.

The conditions simply aren't right. What couples need in those moments is not better communication. They need better regulation. Gottman also found that successful couples aren't conflict-free. What separates them is their ability to repair after conflict. Looking back, I think many repair attempts are actually acts of co-regulation. And that can make a big difference. When Craig leans over and gently touches my hand and says, its okay in a soft tone. Or when your partner says sorry, or adds a bit of humour. All these gestures are saying, "its going to be okay. We are okay".

Co-Regulation Is Not About Stopping Emotions

One of the biggest misconceptions about co-regulation is that it means calming your partner down as quickly as possible. Sometimes that's part of it. But the real goal is helping your partner process what they're feeling. Big emotions are not a sign that something is wrong. They're a sign that something important is happening. This could be that your partner is grieving, or they are feeling hurt or overwhelmed. They could be scared, disappointed. It could be any and all of these. And, they may not be able to even articulate what they are feeling. In those moments, they don't always need solutions or advice.

And they certainly don't always need to be told they're overreacting. Sometimes they simply need someone willing to sit beside them while they make sense of what they're feeling.

I am thinking back to a conversation with Craig about work where I was triggered. I was already stressed and emotionally activated. Craig responded by offering advice.

At the time, I felt misunderstood and frustrated. Now I see something different.

Craig wasn't trying to dismiss my feelings. He was trying to help. The problem was that I was still processing the emotion. I needed understanding before solutions.

Many couples make the same mistake. They try to solve the problem before the emotion has been understood.

Yet some of the most powerful co-regulation sounds like:

"Tell me more."

"That sounds really hard."

"I can see why you're upset."

"I'm here."

"Take your time."

"Tell me what your feeling?"

Notice that none of those statements solve the problem. What they do is create enough safety for the emotion to move. Emotions are designed to move. When they are acknowledged, understood, and given space, they tend to rise and fall naturally. When they are judged, dismissed, minimised, or avoided, they often stay around much longer.

How To Co-Regulate

The next time your partner is upset, try asking yourself:

"What does my partner's nervous system need from me right now?"

Not:

"How do I prove my point?"

Not:

"How do I get them to see it my way?"

But "What would help us feel safer, calmer, and more connected right now?"

Often the answer is surprisingly simple:

• Notice flooding early.

• Lower your voice.

• Slow yourself down.

• Validate before you solve.

• Stay curious.

• Take breaks without disconnecting.

• Help them process instead of fixing.

Sometimes the greatest gift you can give your partner is not a solution, it is your presence and your willingness to listen and to understand and to stay connected while they work through what they're feeling. You don't have to carry the emotion. You simply have to help create a safe space for it.

But Don't Forget Self-Regulation

As much as I love the concept of co-regulation, your partner is not responsible for regulating you. They can support you, comfort you and help you. But they cannot do the work for you.

Healthy relationships require both self-regulation and co-regulation.

Self-regulation is your responsibility.

Co-regulation is your gift to each other.

One of the biggest lessons I've learned is that I cannot expect Craig to manage my emotions for me. Just as he cannot expect me to manage his overwhelm. Healthy relationships are built on interdependence. Two people taking responsibility for themselves while also caring for each other.

The Goal Is Not To Avoid Storms

Every relationship experiences conflict and stress where both people feel hurt, misunderstood, disappointed, or frustrated. For some people, those reactions are also shaped by past experiences, attachment wounds, and old hurts that make conflict feel especially threatening.

The healthiest couples are not the couples who avoid emotional storms. They are the couples who know how to become a safe harbour for each other when the storm arrives.

The goal isn't to stop your partner feeling sad, angry, scared, disappointed, or overwhelmed.

The goal is to make sure they don't have to face those feelings alone. For years, I thought Craig and I had a communication problem. Looking back, I see something different.

We had two nervous systems trying to protect themselves. Two people who cared deeply about each other but didn't yet know how to help each other through big emotions.

And yes of course learning to communicate mattered, and that has been a large portion of our success and growth together. But learning to regulate mattered more. Because when people feel safe, understood, and connected, communication becomes much easier.

About Jacque

Jacque Opie is a relationship coach, counsellor-in-training, and communication specialist who helps couples create deeper connection through practical, real-world tools. Drawing on over thirty years of marriage, coaching experience, and evidence-based relationship approaches, Jacque helps people move from conflict and frustration to greater understanding, connection, and love.