Hells Bells! Do the Work.

Why showing up to counselling isn't the same as committing to change.

I'm going to say something that might make a few people uncomfortable. And I'm saying it from a place of genuine care.

Counselling doesn't change your relationship. What you do with counselling does.

There. I've said it.

I work with couples who genuinely want things to improve. They want better communication, more connection, greater intimacy and less conflict. They want to rebuild trust and stop having the same arguments over and over.

And I believe them.

But wanting something to change and being willing to do something differently are two very different things.

You're an 11 out of 10? Fantastic. Now what?

As part of my intake process, I ask people to rate their commitment to working on their relationship out of 10. Almost everyone gives themselves a 10. I've even had a few enthusiastic 11s! I love that optimism. But here's the thing.

Commitment isn't measured by what you say. It's demonstrated by what you do.

It's easy to feel committed when you're sitting in a counselling session, talking about what needs to change. The real test comes on a Tuesday evening when you're tired, your partner says something that irritates you, and every part of you wants to respond exactly as you always have. What happens then? Because that's where change begins.

Think about it like going to the doctor.

Imagine you've been feeling unwell for months. You visit your doctor, who runs some tests and gives you a treatment plan. Take these vitamins every day. Make a few lifestyle changes. Get some exercise. Come back in two weeks, and we'll see how you're progressing.

The doctor explains that it could take three months to get things back on track.

You leave feeling hopeful.

Finally, there's a plan! But then you don't follow it. You don't take the vitamins. You don't make the changes. You carry on exactly as before.

Two weeks later, you return to the doctor, who runs the tests again. Nothing has improved.

Well, what did you expect?

It wasn't going to the doctor that would make the difference. It was what you did between appointments.

Counselling is much the same. You can gain wonderful insights, understand your relationship patterns and learn new ways of communicating. But if you walk out the door and continue doing exactly what you've always done, why would you expect a different result? Hells bells!

Your words and actions need to match.

There's a word I want you to think about: congruence. Congruence simply means that what you say and what you do are aligned. And in relationships, it matters enormously.

You say you want to communicate better, but you continue shutting down whenever things get uncomfortable. You say your relationship is a priority, but you never make time for each other. You say you want to rebuild trust, but your actions don't consistently support that promise.

See the problem?

When there's a gap between words and actions, trust becomes difficult to build. Your partner might hear your promises, but they're also watching what happens next. And if the two don't match, which do you think they'll believe?

Trust isn't built through promises of change. It's built through repeated experiences of change.

The work happens between sessions.

Counselling provides a space to understand what's happening in your relationship, explore your patterns and develop practical ways forward. But your relationship doesn't exist in the counselling room. It exists at home, in the car, over dinner, while you're managing the kids, paying bills and navigating everyday life. That's where the work happens.

It might mean listening without interrupting, recognising when you're becoming defensive, showing appreciation or making time for a conversation you've been avoiding.

And yes, sometimes it will feel awkward. You're learning to do something differently, perhaps after years of doing it another way. You won't get it right every time, either.

Remember those vitamins?

If you take them five days out of seven instead of not taking them at all, you're at least building consistency. You may not be following the plan perfectly, but you're making progress towards a new habit. The same principle applies to your relationship. It's not about perfection. It's about consistent effort.

And when you get it wrong, acknowledge it, repair it and try again.

Stop expecting results from work you haven't done.

Here's where the loving telling-off comes in. If you keep attending counselling but make little effort to apply what you're learning, while expecting your relationship to magically improve, you're going to be disappointed. You can't keep doing the same things and expect your relationship to feel different. And yet, sometimes that's exactly what happens.

We want the results without the discomfort of changing our behaviour.

We want our partner to trust us again without consistently demonstrating trustworthiness.

We want better communication without practising how to communicate. We want connection without making time to connect.

Come on!

You cannot build a different relationship using exactly the same habits that have kept you stuck.

And no, this doesn't mean you must blindly follow every suggestion or pretend something is working when it isn't. If you're struggling with something, bring it into the conversation. Explore why it's difficult. Adjust the approach if needed. That's part of counselling, too.

But there's a big difference between struggling to make a change and simply not making the effort.

Don't give up just because it's taking time.

Think back to the doctor who said recovery could take three months. Would you abandon the treatment after two weeks because you weren't completely better? Hopefully not.

Yet sometimes people approach counselling expecting years of established relationship patterns to disappear after a handful of sessions. Changing how you communicate, respond to conflict and rebuild connection takes practice. Some weeks you'll make wonderful progress. Other weeks you'll slip back into familiar habits. That's normal.

What matters is whether you're learning, adapting and continuing to take responsibility for your part. And remember, you can only take responsibility for your own behaviour. You cannot do your partner's work for them. Nor does commitment to counselling mean staying in a relationship that is unsafe or harmful. The purpose is to help you move towards healthier choices and a better understanding of what you want for your future.

So, how committed are you really?

If you've chosen to invest your time, money and emotional energy into counselling, give yourself a genuine opportunity to benefit from it. Not to please your counsellor and not to tick a box. And certainly not just so you can say you've tried.

Do it because your relationship, your wellbeing and your future matter to you.

Take what you've learned and put it into practice. Be curious about your own behaviour. Take responsibility when you get things wrong. Have the uncomfortable conversations. Make the small changes that, over time, can become something much bigger. And please, don't give up simply because it's hard. Because here's the thing.

Your relationship isn't built during a counselling session. It's built in the ordinary moments between sessions when you choose to do something differently.

So, the next time you rate your commitment as 10 out of 10 (or even 11!), ask yourself one question:

If someone watched my actions over the past seven days, would they see the commitment I'm claiming?

If the answer makes you uncomfortable, perhaps that's a good place to start.

Hells bells. Give yourself a fighting chance.

Do the work. Your relationship is worth more than good intentions.

With love as always, Jacque